Happy New Years to everyone!  May your 2012 be full of Rolling Tides and caviar dreams.

“It happens pretty much a lot of the time.  They just say thanks for coming.”  — Tim Tebow

Not sure if you are aware, but Tim Tebow has taken over this website, possibly impregnated your girlfriend (seriously go check), and killed Kim Jong-Il armed with nothing but his smile.  North Korea hates the smile, The Jonger outlawed the smile, and Tebow still takes out the dictatorship in seconds.

 Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness.

Enough Tebow, onto more pressing news.  We will start with the United States withdrawal from Iraq.  Our focus will specifically address the impugning economic repercussions that could befall a previously malevolent, yet self-aggrandizing society, now thrust into the complications of 21st century externally regulated indoctrination.

Wait what?  Sorry I just blacked out for a second.  Maybe I should be working the floor of the Times, but for now we’ll break down film on soldiers flickin’ the pigskin.

To borrow a line from my favorite Disney movie Pinocchio:  WE’RE WASTING PRECIOUS TIME.  COME.  ONTO THE THEATRE!!!


ConnorB and Colebot have gone AWOL, so I’m flying solo and will to give you the tastiest of treats this holiday bowl season.  So throw out Grandma’s fruit cake, and munch on what to watch, what to bet, and my favorite:  The mascot challenge.

You’re probably saying, why the H-E double hockey sticks is Charlie breaking down games when we are half way through the bowl season?  The answer:  You are a moron, I don’t care about Western Kentucky, and because there exists a Little Ceasar’s Pizza Bowl.  Which, much like their product, poisoned me last time I partook.  There has been only one game even worth watching up to this point, and it involved a Heisman trophy winner and 89,543 yards of offense.  I’m speaking of course of Baylor v. Washington in the mighty Alamo Bowl.  Other than some offensive fireworks, not much else to report.  Not really surprised though as Waco and Seattle hold 0 championships and are virtually irrelevant.  Yeaaa Sounders!

Instead let’s take a look at the future slate of games, and of course, the True Granddaddy of them all:  The BBVA Compass Bowl.  But first our January 2nd set of action:

Ticket City Bowl:  Dallas, TX  – Houston v. Penn State (Houston -7)

Should I watch: Yes.  If only to see QB Case Keenum and the Cougs dismantle the travesty of a program in Penn State that has no business being in a bowl game with the Sandusky scandal.

Should I bet: More than yes.  Keenum is coming off a horrible loss to Southern Miss that voided the school’s first shot at a BCS game.  Love Houston and the 7 for the revenge factor.  Eat the points, and thank holy hell you don’t actually have to live in Houston.

Mascot Challenge:  Child please.  Cougars vs. Nittany Lions.  Just like in the game of life, when cougars are on the prowl, everyone wins.  Even better, Houston’s mascot is a female cougar named Shasta.  Here’s to you Mrs. Robinson.

Outback Bowl:  Tampa, FL – Michigan State vs. Georgia (Georgia -3)

Should I watch:  Probably not.  You’ll still be reeling from the fireworks of the Ticket City Bowl, and this one figures to be defensive.  Take a nap.

Should I bet:  Absolutely not.  Two extremely inconsistent programs.  Like that turkey still in your fridge from Christmas, toss it and run.

Mascot Challenge:  There are over 30 universities in the U.S. that have a bulldog as their mascot.  None even compares to Uga, Georgia’s dawg.  Why, because he bites and he won’t let go.  Remember, it’s not the size of the dog in the fight…but the size of the dog lunging at your nuts.

                                              Uga hits you where it hurts.

Capital One Bowl:  Orlando, FL – Nebraska vs. South Carolina (SC -3)

Should I watch:  Big Yes.  Huskers vs. Gamecocks should be entertaining.  Always entertainment watching Spurrier scream.  Plus this puppy is in Disneyworld territory, so you know Goofie and Pluto will get some screen time.

Should I bet:  Push.  If you dislike either team disregard the points and just bet straight up.  I like SC in this one and will put some green on it because the Ol’ Ball Coach gets results on New Years.  Plus, I got overcharged at a diner in North Platte, Nebraska, and I’m still not happy about it.

Mascot Challenge:  Lil’ Red the Cornhusker vs. Cocky the Gamecock.  Landslide victory for the crazy chicken thing from the south. Gator Bowl:  Jacksonville, FL – Ohio State vs. Florida (-2)

Should I watch:  Lukewarm.  My favorite part of this game is the sponsor,  Real gridiron action happens on April 15th –  A room full of accountants slaying and breaking down your Roth-IRA, 401-K, and maximizing that equity fund.  The true blue gladiator: THE CPA.

Should I bet:  Run and hide.  No idea what team is going to show up in this one, and you don’t win at Churchill Downs betting on wild horses.

Mascot Challenge:  Seriously?!?  Gators easy.  In a dark alley, I’d like my chances against a buckeye.  An alligator, not so much.  Albert E. Gator may chip a tooth, but that’s about it.

The Rose Bowl:  Pasadena, CA – Oregon vs. Wisconsin (Oregon -6)

Should I watch:  I may.  Possibly.  The Granddaddy of Them All will not disappoint.  Unbelievable talent at QB and RB on both sides of the ball.  Expect fireworks early and often.  The D-Line will decide this one.

Should I bet:  Dicey.  6 is a lot to cover, but I still like the Ducks at about 10.  The over is an unreal 72, so I may just hold onto my clams and stay put.

Mascot Challenge:  Split.  A live badger would dismantle a duck in seconds.  But we’re talking stuffed mascots.  Puddles has gotten some severe chest work doing push-ups all season long and takes down Bucky Badger with an overhand left that shocks the world.

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl:  Glendale, AZ.  Stanford vs. Oklahoma State (OSU -4)

Should I watch:  If you watch 1 game, this is it.  I think we’ll get more out of this one than the Rose or Championship.  Quarterbacks Andrew Luck and Brandon Weeden square off in an absolute aerial offense.  As a receiver, I’m buying the entertainment.

Should I bet:  Yup.  Giving Stanford 4 is a gift and I’m buying Cardinal stock.  Vegas shifts odds on public action, and the Sooner state is laying heavy lumber on their cowboys.  So, while always a Golden Bear Backer, I’m betting this one Stanford straight up.

Mascot Challenge:  OK State Cowboy vs. Stanford Tree.  I’m thinking the pride of Stillwater, Mr. Pistol Pete can take care of business.  (Pistol -79).

Part II Later – Just wanted to give you your fill on January 2nd.

Roll Tide.

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  1. best bowl game is the orange, featuring sammy watkins

  2. Colebot says:

    Ducks fly together!!! Had to lay some of my hard earned hustlin green on the dominant duckers of eugene oregDUCKon. Taking Stanford at +4….that neandrathal looking SOB better not let me down.

    You gotta run your ranch.

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